What Did You Lose?

August,

I spoke to you after your lecture at the Greenwich Leadership Forum. Thank you so very much. You were powerful, moving, impactful and direction changing in a lot of ways. My wife and several of my friends were in the audience, and we’ve been discussing you and your presentation ever since. I’m a fan.

Running things over in my mind, there is one point I cannot figure out. One major theme of your lecture is transformation, but in your case, from what to what? Unless I missed something, in your story you were a successful, moderately happy businessman leading a life most would dream about working at MTV and A&E. Although you were incredibly revealing (thank you), there was no clear break where we could see old life bad/new life good (i.e., I was a drug addict, I was a crook, I lost my mind) or the clear delineation of a life altering event: drug overdose, trip to rehab, incarceration, loss of a child, divorce, etc.

What did you lose and therefore what was at stake? If you lost nothing, how can we, who have lost things, or are afraid of losing things, relate? 

And, since you have found your calling, how is your life now completely different from your old life? What have you changed? What if I work at MTV now, can I be called to transformation and still keep my job?

With admiration and gratitude,
Jeff

Dear Jeff,

Thanks for the wonderful note. In retrospect I risked, my career, marriage and children, my sanity, and even my life in my quest for God so there was plenty at stake.  No, I was not a drug addict nor was I ever arrested. But I don’t think transformation or brokenness depends on such radical ways of “going wrong.” While I had my share of pain (my mother’s early death in 1984), my path was based on MORAL, rather than physical suffering. I battled severe depression throughout most of my adult life. Again and again I rose to the “bait” of life, trying to find satisfaction through worldly success, only to be left with ashes in my mouth. I was looking for something in Mother Nature that she was incapable of providing. I was filled with profound spiritual longing yet tortured by doubts. I not only doubted my own spiritual potential but spirituality itself.  I call this state being “trapped between heaven and earth.” In my essay Brother John I refer to this painful condition as learning too much about life to return to our comforting illusions and too much about ourselves to hope for spiritual success.

Transformation requires surrender and this is what I could not bring myself to do. The spiritual life is a process of disillusionment. The Christian mystics say we must lose all hope in the world before we will turn utterly to God. This is the painful process I endured for years.

Ironically, my putative “success” was crucial to my ultimate spiritual surrender. Many people imagine that if they just had money or fame or romantic love they would “have it all” and be at peace. Because I had experienced all these things and was STILL miserable I was finally forced to admit that what I sought could not be found in the world. This was a blessing.

A person who was clinically depressed once told me, “The worst thing about depression is that you can’t even IMAGINE anything that would make you feel better.” This is where I found myself. I had tried everything only to be continually disappointed. I lost all hope and still God was nowhere to be found.

Then I broke my ankle sky diving. I was forced to admit that NO AMOUNT OF WORLDLY SUCCESS would save me from death. Death is the real source of all fear, anxiety, and brokenness, and I highly recommend the book The Denial of Death by Earnest Becker that for my money proves it.

Then one day I finally hit bottom only to find that God had been waiting patiently there for me all along. This is why agony and ecstasy go hand in hand. It is like turning your house upside down for a month looking for your wallet only to find it on the dining room table. The ecstasy is in finding it. The agony is in knowing you wasted a month looking for something that was hidden in plain sight all along. So it is with God….

So how is my life different? I was transformed from a selfish or ego driven person into a selfless or God driven person.  I am at peace, and I have no other ambition than to share that peace with others.  And yes, you can certainly keep your job. As long as that job is helping not hurting your progress toward transformation. 

I hope these musings shed at least a bit of light. I’d also recommend you read a piece on my web site called The Invitation to Transformation. Take care and I do hope we stay in touch.

August Turak